Title: She Knows Him
Author: annaK
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. All other ideas are. No copyright
infringement intended.
Rating: PG
Classification: V, A, Sam/Jack, Sam/Pete, episode-tag for ‘Affinity.’
Archive: Please ask first.
Spoilers: Affinity (with a small nod to Lost City 2).
Summary: Is it right to feel bereft when she’s promised forever to another
man?

All my thanks to RowanD. You rock.


**
She Knows Him by annaK
**


Daniel had offered to come with her, a knowing, pained expression on his
face when he’d asked if Jack knew.

She’d said she had to do this alone.

She likes to think he understood.

The door opens on her second knock, the man in the doorway looking at her
with a bemused yet somehow worried expression.

She wonders if he already knows.

“Carter?”

“Sir.”

“Whatcha doin’ here?” He’s smiling at her, eyes crinkling in the sunlight,
but he’s moving subtly from one foot to the other and his fingers are
fidgeting against the door frame.

He knows.

“I… I was just… Can I come in?” She’s smiling too much and she knows it
looks forced. She feels like it’s last year again and he’s about to go
Ancient and she’s come to say goodbye.

In a way, that’s exactly what she’s come to do.

She smiles harder.

“Sure.”

Pushing the door open he allows her to step into his house, heading towards
the kitchen where he opens the fridge and removes a bottle of Guinness. (So
much like last time she’s not sure if she can breathe.)

“You want a drink? I got beer.”

“No, thank you. I can’t stay long.”

“’Kay. So…”

“So.” She knows that using monosyllabic words will make him think
something’s horribly wrong, but she can’t quite help herself. She just
shrugs and lowers herself onto his couch.

He’s standing in front of her when she looks up, beer in hand, head tilted
to the side.

“Was there something…”

“I, uh…” More mumbling and she knows he’ll start to really worry soon.

“Carter?”

“I’m sorry. I should go. This was a bad idea.” She means it. Every bone in
her body is yelling at her to flee.

But she can’t make herself move.

“You’ve never had a bad idea in your life, Carter.”

She almost laughs.

“What’s up?”

She doesn’t know how to reply.

“Carter? You’re gonna have to say something. You know that waiting for me to
work out what’s going on is probably gonna take at least a few hours… Just,
you know, give me a clue…”

The little boy uncertainty in his voice, the gentle teasing that she knows
so well, and the honesty in her response is aimed at her feet. She can’t
look at him. Not yet. “I don’t… oh, God, this is harder than I expected.”

His voice softens, his eyes seeking hers. “Hey. It’s okay. We’re friends,
right? You can tell me anything.”

She does laugh this time. She doesn’t sound amused.

A hand on her shoulder and she looks up to meet his eyes. Confusion is
there, yes, but there’s fear, too. Always playing dumb is O’Neill. But he
knows. He knows that she isn’t there as his 2IC. That she isn’t there as his
friend. And he knows that whatever she’s going to say, he probably doesn’t
want to hear it.

She can see it in his eyes.

She can’t look away.

“I told Pete yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

“Ah.”

The sofa dips beside her as he sits down, taking another swig of beer as he
leans back. She can feel his eyes on her, she can feel him fidgeting.

She doesn’t have a clue what to say.

“So.” It’s all she can manage.

“So.”

“This is awkward.”

“Yeah.” Another deep breath and he puts the beer down on the coffee table.
Shoulders squared, posture tense. But he’s not slipping into General
O’Neill. He’s still Jack. She knows this just by looking at the back of his
head. She knows him.

She just doesn’t know what she’s doing.

He pulls her out of her thoughts by doing the unexpected. A warm hand on top
of hers and she doesn’t flinch though ever part of her is screaming.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing.

“Are you happy?”

Warm eyes study her and she’s shocked to feel the prickle of tears behind
her eyes. A slow blink, a deep breath, and she aims her answer at their
entwined hands.

“Yes.”

She’s telling the truth. She is happy. She loves Pete. She really does.
Loves the way he makes her laugh, loves feeling his arms around her when
they’re dancing. Loves waking up to feel his breath against her neck, loves
the look in his eyes when they pull away from a kiss.

She’s going to marry him and she’s going to finally have a home that isn’t
just for her.

But she’s sitting in her CO’s house, and his hand is warm on top of hers.
And he’s staring at her like he knows what she’s thinking. Like he knows
her.

And he does. He knows her in a way that Pete never can.

He smiles, and it looks pained, but not forced. His hand squeezes hers.

“I’m happy for you.”

Voice found and her eyes finally jolt towards his.

“Are you?”

Another smile and this time it’s assured, real. It’s the smile that’s just
for her.

“I want you to be happy.”

“What about you?” She’s surprised that she’s saying this, shocked that she’s
not running away.

She’s usually so good at running away.

His hand leaves hers (is it right to feel bereft when she’s promised forever
to another man?) and he picks up the beer, his eyes crinkling as he reverts
to his usual teasing. “I’m not such a lost cause yet, Carter, don’t worry
about me. Worse comes to worst, me and Teal’c can play house. He’s quite the
catch, you know.”

Full O’Neill grin and she knows he’s trying to make her smile, trying to cut
the tension out of the room, but it’s so familiar, so him that her laugh
catches on tears and before she realizes what’s happening her vision is
blurring and she’s laughing and crying at the same time and he is still
sitting there and he’s still looking at her.

She wipes at the tears with the back of her hand, sniffs once and then nods,
trying to maintain the smile.

He’s still staring, but he’s not even pretending to look confused.

He knew the tears were there all along.

He expected the dam to break.

And that knowledge just makes her cry harder.

He’s staring at the floor when she finally looks back at him, but then his
head moves up and his eyes catch with hers.

A watery smile is all she can muster to try and remove the concerned
expression from his eyes, but she knows that really there’s hurt there that
isn’t just shared pain.

It’s his pain.

And she caused it.

Head tilted down she clears her throat and mutters something about having to
go. He’s beside her as she stands, hovering behind her and it takes all of
her willpower not to lean into him, to try and take comfort from the embrace
of this man who means so much.

But she doesn’t know if she’d be able to let go.

And she has to.

For Pete.

For Jack.

For herself.

Finally at the door and she’s planning to turn around, to apologize and call
him General and say she’ll see him at work.

But he gets there first, hand moving on its own accord to wipe at a tear
track, fingers running through her hair and she’s leaning into his touch
before she lets herself think.

Watery blue eyes meet haunted hazel and they just stare at each other as his
hand trembles against her cheek.

There’s no force field between them this time.

Just their careers and the Air Force and a good man whom she will not
betray.

His voice is rough (but she knew it would be, she knows him so well) when he
tells her to go be happy.

His thumb is infinitely tender on her cheek as more tears escape.

And as she finally opens the door and moves away, she feels the fleeting
touch of his fingers against hers and allows herself to cling to him for
just a second before heading out into the warm Colorado air.

A hand in her pocket and she retrieves the object that she could not wear to
his house.

She slips it on.

The diamond glints in the sunlight as she walks away.

She’s meant to be meeting Pete.

The man she loves.

Really.


**
End

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